I have reached the stage of noticing the deeper lines around my mouth and that it now turns down slightly at the corners rather than up. There's days I find it really tough and my fingers hover over the keyboard to search for "aesthetic clinics near me", but then the thought that you wrote, and someone else has quoted in the comments, stops me.
To "Be the woman that the generation beneath me are quietly hoping I will be. Because if I am, it gives them permission to do the same".
I would never, ever judge an individual for what they choose to do to their face or body, especially considering the relentless messaging and pressure that we experience. But my stubborn self, who is so grateful to see women in all their complex, varied beauty - who, like you, has never looked at someone older than me and seen what I see in my face as flaws on them in the same way - knows that it is not me, Els, who wants to change the way I look. It's the patriarchy and capitalism, because literally only they profit from me spending money and time and energy thinking about my appearance in that way.
Sometimes body positivity is impossible, so I try to aim for body neutrality. To be grateful for what it does and who it lets me exist as, and avoid the mirror as much as possible. Thank you for sharing this piece - it's such an importance conversation.
I love your approach here. Feminism has always been about choice: choice to work vs stay at home, choice to have kids or not, take your husbands name or not. It extends to choice to modify your body and your appearance or not. But a choice isn't a choice if it is coerced and that's the problem! If I don't want grey hair, is it because I don't want it or because I've been trained to not want it for 35 years?
Also: "yeet my boobs back up towards my chin" is the best line I've heard in a long time 🤣
"Be the woman that the generation beneath me are quietly hoping I will be. Because if I am, it gives them permission to do the same"
This is it for me. I've not wore any underwire bras for at least 5 years, I usually have some underarm hair and seeing that on other women has empowered me more than anything else. I am not going to shame women who do take fillers or w/e, but I personally would never, and hope as a collective we can divert from this madness. Decenter the male gaze, and surround yourself with people who prioritize other things, is how I approach it
I'm acutely aware that this comment will be a man talking about women's appearances and full apologies for that. I wish both the people I refer to would comment themselves, but that's unlikely as one doesn't follow the outdoor industry.
I've got a friend on either end of the scale. One of my friends does a lot of filming work and has had the works done to her. She used to look fantastic and since surgery she looks unhealthy, swollen face, unnecessary curves and an inconsivable waist. It's almost depressing to see her beauty fade under what some in the industry see as a "right of passage" 🤮
On the flip side is Nic (https://www.instagram.com/adventurer.nic?igsh=czRkY2pwbzBhamlm). She did the maths around hair dye and cosmetics and decided she would rather spend that money on adventure. She was public about that decision and everyone's reaction was, "amazing, go girl 💪".
It's the individuals choice and I respect both decisions, but feel one was made by her peers and one was made by the individual. Whatever route anyone goes down, I hope it works for you
Ooooh. So… a hair dyer of many years (grey from the age of 20 another thing to add to the list from my parents) I am considering jumping off the old root covering conveyor belt and embracing the grey, but I will be light years ahead (no pun intended) of my peers in the grey hair dept. So internal battle of why this bothers me… patriarchy? vanity (obvs skewed up in patriarchy)? Something else going on deep inside there? This is so interesting because once you pick at one part of it, it all unravels. Why do I shave my legs? Probabky initially also for reasons deep rooted in your excellent point about the bikini waxing point. But I like having smooth skin. Why do I dye my hair? I like the colour it gives me back in my skin. But is this for myself or for others? Researching the history of beauty makeup products recently made me consider why I use them, but I do and I will.
So on the internal debates go - do I do it for myself? Or for some inherently patriarchal reason I can’t shake off no matter how feminist I am.
And as for Botox… well that’s a chat im saving up for a glass of wine 🤣
I am 60 and honestly it’s the best. I feel like I’m figuring things out. Leaving the past behind and being more fully in the present. Definitely noticing the slowing down physically, it’s harder to improve my fitness than it used to be and I have to pay attention to all the little details. But moving my body outside feels sweeter than ever. So much to look forward to!
It’s super tricky to figure out if it’s just the brain washing from an early age that makes me feel ashamed of the way my skin and body are ageing. I never thought I was vain, but there is definitely a new battle i’ve started having with the reflection in the mirror.
Felt that getting older thing recently, have always worn glasses but at my annual checkup the optician (after asking if I was seeing alright, said I was) covered my left eye and said: "Read the 3rd line on the chart".
I could barely read the first line!
Turns out I have an early cataract in my right eye, op needed in a couple of years probably, and my left eye and brain were covering for the right.
I'm 60 and started dying my hair a couple of years ago. It's not to cover the grey, but (ironically given your mention of social media pressure) in response to a social media dare*. Having done once decided I like it and have continued since
I turned 40 last year and only started being physically active in my mid 20s. Now I've never felt stronger and capable then ever. Aging is inevitable and part of accepting ourselves. Our body is not external to us but our partner in crime. The way I look at it is best I can do is to look after my body and respect it for all the hard work it's doing, getting me up those mountains and providing a true sense of joy :)
I decided as a young person to be what I am. I watched my mother struggling to keep her hair dyed so the roots didn’t show (it was a lot harder then). I looked at the fabrication of pretence that underpinned a lot of female society. I wasn’t going to try to pretend. So my hair has done what it has done. And my skin has done the things that happen when you spend a lot of time outdoors in NZ where the UV is strong. And it’s been just fine.
I have reached the stage of noticing the deeper lines around my mouth and that it now turns down slightly at the corners rather than up. There's days I find it really tough and my fingers hover over the keyboard to search for "aesthetic clinics near me", but then the thought that you wrote, and someone else has quoted in the comments, stops me.
To "Be the woman that the generation beneath me are quietly hoping I will be. Because if I am, it gives them permission to do the same".
I would never, ever judge an individual for what they choose to do to their face or body, especially considering the relentless messaging and pressure that we experience. But my stubborn self, who is so grateful to see women in all their complex, varied beauty - who, like you, has never looked at someone older than me and seen what I see in my face as flaws on them in the same way - knows that it is not me, Els, who wants to change the way I look. It's the patriarchy and capitalism, because literally only they profit from me spending money and time and energy thinking about my appearance in that way.
Sometimes body positivity is impossible, so I try to aim for body neutrality. To be grateful for what it does and who it lets me exist as, and avoid the mirror as much as possible. Thank you for sharing this piece - it's such an importance conversation.
Gosh this is perfect.
I love your approach here. Feminism has always been about choice: choice to work vs stay at home, choice to have kids or not, take your husbands name or not. It extends to choice to modify your body and your appearance or not. But a choice isn't a choice if it is coerced and that's the problem! If I don't want grey hair, is it because I don't want it or because I've been trained to not want it for 35 years?
Also: "yeet my boobs back up towards my chin" is the best line I've heard in a long time 🤣
"Be the woman that the generation beneath me are quietly hoping I will be. Because if I am, it gives them permission to do the same"
This is it for me. I've not wore any underwire bras for at least 5 years, I usually have some underarm hair and seeing that on other women has empowered me more than anything else. I am not going to shame women who do take fillers or w/e, but I personally would never, and hope as a collective we can divert from this madness. Decenter the male gaze, and surround yourself with people who prioritize other things, is how I approach it
I'm acutely aware that this comment will be a man talking about women's appearances and full apologies for that. I wish both the people I refer to would comment themselves, but that's unlikely as one doesn't follow the outdoor industry.
I've got a friend on either end of the scale. One of my friends does a lot of filming work and has had the works done to her. She used to look fantastic and since surgery she looks unhealthy, swollen face, unnecessary curves and an inconsivable waist. It's almost depressing to see her beauty fade under what some in the industry see as a "right of passage" 🤮
On the flip side is Nic (https://www.instagram.com/adventurer.nic?igsh=czRkY2pwbzBhamlm). She did the maths around hair dye and cosmetics and decided she would rather spend that money on adventure. She was public about that decision and everyone's reaction was, "amazing, go girl 💪".
It's the individuals choice and I respect both decisions, but feel one was made by her peers and one was made by the individual. Whatever route anyone goes down, I hope it works for you
Ooooh. So… a hair dyer of many years (grey from the age of 20 another thing to add to the list from my parents) I am considering jumping off the old root covering conveyor belt and embracing the grey, but I will be light years ahead (no pun intended) of my peers in the grey hair dept. So internal battle of why this bothers me… patriarchy? vanity (obvs skewed up in patriarchy)? Something else going on deep inside there? This is so interesting because once you pick at one part of it, it all unravels. Why do I shave my legs? Probabky initially also for reasons deep rooted in your excellent point about the bikini waxing point. But I like having smooth skin. Why do I dye my hair? I like the colour it gives me back in my skin. But is this for myself or for others? Researching the history of beauty makeup products recently made me consider why I use them, but I do and I will.
So on the internal debates go - do I do it for myself? Or for some inherently patriarchal reason I can’t shake off no matter how feminist I am.
And as for Botox… well that’s a chat im saving up for a glass of wine 🤣
I am 60 and honestly it’s the best. I feel like I’m figuring things out. Leaving the past behind and being more fully in the present. Definitely noticing the slowing down physically, it’s harder to improve my fitness than it used to be and I have to pay attention to all the little details. But moving my body outside feels sweeter than ever. So much to look forward to!
And
It’s super tricky to figure out if it’s just the brain washing from an early age that makes me feel ashamed of the way my skin and body are ageing. I never thought I was vain, but there is definitely a new battle i’ve started having with the reflection in the mirror.
Felt that getting older thing recently, have always worn glasses but at my annual checkup the optician (after asking if I was seeing alright, said I was) covered my left eye and said: "Read the 3rd line on the chart".
I could barely read the first line!
Turns out I have an early cataract in my right eye, op needed in a couple of years probably, and my left eye and brain were covering for the right.
I'm 60 and started dying my hair a couple of years ago. It's not to cover the grey, but (ironically given your mention of social media pressure) in response to a social media dare*. Having done once decided I like it and have continued since
* https://www.robincapper.net/socially-media-influenced-by-webworms-david-farrier/
I turned 40 last year and only started being physically active in my mid 20s. Now I've never felt stronger and capable then ever. Aging is inevitable and part of accepting ourselves. Our body is not external to us but our partner in crime. The way I look at it is best I can do is to look after my body and respect it for all the hard work it's doing, getting me up those mountains and providing a true sense of joy :)
I decided as a young person to be what I am. I watched my mother struggling to keep her hair dyed so the roots didn’t show (it was a lot harder then). I looked at the fabrication of pretence that underpinned a lot of female society. I wasn’t going to try to pretend. So my hair has done what it has done. And my skin has done the things that happen when you spend a lot of time outdoors in NZ where the UV is strong. And it’s been just fine.
Wise words - I thoroughly enjoyed reading this